How Am I Doing
Since Jan. 20th I get this question a bunch. I love it and hate it. I love it because it is someone who cares deeply about me, knows that I am facing incredible struggle as a TransParent in this new administration and is able to sit with whatever answer I come back with. I hate it because it forces me to reflect, kind of like dipping my finger back into the pot of boiling water to re-experience what a burn feels like. But even then, I am grateful because now is not the time to disassociate and check out.
And I’m guessing if you’re reading this, you’re feeling something similar, even if you’re not a TransParent, have a dad trapped in a shithole of a nursing home and friends who live in SoCal. I’m betting on some level you too are reeling from the psychotic frenzy that our country is spinning in. So here’s my ‘how’…
I start the day lighting my altar. I give thanks for everything I can think of in that moment, even things that appear to be shit but maybe are not. I thank the Divine Mother for Her grace in sparkling snow, clouds, blue sky and sharp sunshine. To do this I look out the window and name each one. I remember that there are forces so much bigger than me and this moment.
I have coffee/breakfast with my husband and my kid. Coffee and Contemplation. We toast to something positive that we can hold through the day. We talk about whatever is funny, events coming up, college application deadlines. M shows me any funny videos he has found and promises he isn’t on social media very much.
After he leaves for school, I give myself a handful of minutes (30 max) each morning to read The Skimm, Jessica Yellin’s IG account, maybe The New York Times and/or The Boston Globe in the morning. This helps me understand what is happening but without obsessing. As I do this, I notice how my breathing gets shallow, my heart races and I feel almost electric, like I need to go run around Porter Square in my pajamas. I visualize the adrenaline seeping throughout my body. I remind myself that in THIS moment, I am warm and safe, drinking coffee and listening to Hozier. Myself and the people I love are not in danger in this moment.
I take a shower. As I do this, focusing on the warmth of the water, I ground myself and clear energy. I let my mind wander over what needs to get done for the day and most likely have many creative ideas that I immediately forget by the time I’m dressed.
Throughout the day, I don’t tune into the chaos of newsfeeds, but focus on my freelance work or putting all of my attention into household chores. If I’m making dinner, I smell every carrot I chop and am sure that really good music is playing. Everything becomes a place to use as many of my senses as I can to hold me in place and prevent me from falling off the edge I know I’m walking.
If I feel stable, I check in with people who I know are fighting like hell to manage. Sometimes all I can manage is a text with a heart.
I plan ahead by making sure M has all prescriptions updated, doctor’s appointments booked and continue to research how to access gender affirming healthcare outside of the U.S.
Today, I’ll work on scrubbing the names of my children from all online posts. If it becomes too much to manage, I’ll delete accounts. I am fully prepared to pull myself out of the digital world and help my family do the same.
As I sit here and type this, my mind reels. If Google can wipe out Biden in the line-up of Presidents, then what’s next? And yes, I know that we are all freaking out and that Biden was returned to the line-up, but really anything could happen next. Anything. And if this is the case, even jumping ship from the online world and only writing a newsletter in an email is still trouble because I use Gmail and my life for the past 10+ years is on a Google server somewhere. NYC has not returned M’s documentation and his birth certificate is still pending. Even though we live in the bluest bubble in the bluest state, there is still the Supremacy Clause, established under Article VI, Paragraph 2 of the U.S. Constitution, that refers to the foundational principle that, in general, federal law takes precedence over any conflicting state law. Any state law. How am I doing? I’m freaking the fuck out, that’s how. And don’t think I haven’t noticed that the people in my life who voted for Trump are the same people who AREN’T asking how I’m doing. But that’s ok because what would I even say to them? Betting neither of us want to know. At least, that’s what I’m feeling right now, in this moment. But that too will change.
I need to go shower.