The Unraveling
I’m one of those people who finds a loose thread on my favorite shirt, the kind that dangles so seductively and yet threatens to destroy the item that I love, and I pull it. Maybe not all the way but definitely until the garment is irreparably damaged. I can’t stop myself. This is exactly what I did with my own mental health the weekend they reversed Roe vs. Wade.
At first, the nature of what had happened didn’t fully sink in. As far as I knew we, as a nation, were still talking about guns and how so many of us are thoroughly disgusted by the latest Supreme Court ruling to allow guns to be carried in public. I felt good that the new public school we’d finally chosen to send Michael to—Cambridge Rindge and Latin—one of the most diverse and highly scored schools in Massachusetts, nestled in the progressive bosom between Harvard University and MIT, would be less at risk of gun violence risk.
(Let’s pause a minute and reflect on what I just said. I felt good about selecting a school that appeared to have a lower risk of gun violence. I did not say drug use. I did not say teen pregnancy. Gun violence. Ok, back to next level insanity.)
But then the headline and social media screams about loss of abortion rights, privacy laws and lying Supreme Court justices became too loud to ignore. Once the posts about LGBTQ+ rights—same sex marriages, trans rights—filled my screen, the real work of doomscrolling began.
On Saturday, when my kids and their sleepover buddy asked me what I thought they should do for the day, I sent them to the far side of town to get milkshakes instead of the protest happening downtown. All three of them are fierce LGBTQ+ supporters, and though they must of known what was happening, they didn’t mention it. When they left, I cried as I scrolled through images of protest posters.
By Saturday afternoon, their Instagram stories were filled with what I already knew. The Conservative Right was coming for LGBTQ+ rights. Both kids re-posted an infographic map created by the Transgender Law Center that illustrated all of the states in the nation and their proposed or passed anti-trans legislation. I shared it too, confident that the state we were living in and the state we were moving to were safe havens. Until Michael pointed out Massachusetts had introduced anti-trans legislation. Even though he was in a car about 40 minutes away from me, I could feel the fear growing inside him.
How does a parent explain to a child that their government is actually gunning for them?
I immediately started researching Massachussetts legislation, articles on the political stance of state politicians, how they engaged with Pride events…anything to figure out how one of the most blue states in the nation—the home of Elizabeth Warren for God’s sake—had anti-trans legislation.
At 11:30 that night, after dissecting the text of the fifth state house bill (H.1536*), I realized that I was on a manic bender and needed to step away. It took listening to two meditations for anxiety and one for sleep to bring me back down. And even then, I woke barely able to move my jaw I’d been clenching my teeth so hard in my sleep.
That night I didn’t sleep. Not really. Nor the next or the one after that. I finally found my way to Thich Nhat Hahn and his audiobook “The Art of Living”. Now, when I pick up my phone, at least there is a life raft waiting to carry me across the Dreaded Sea.
(* I did find the legislation. H.1536 was proposed by David F. DeCoste, Republican MA House Representative of the 5th district of Plymouth. Titled, “An Act to Protect the Religious Beliefs and Moral Convictions of the Citizens of the Commonwealth”, H.1536 prevents the prosecution of various entities who discriminate against LGBTQ+ due to religious beliefs. So, if you’re a devout Catholic wedding photographer or a Born Again Christian Health Clinic, even if Jesus would take them in, you don’t have to.
Here is a phenomenal resource from the TLC to get a snapshot of equality on every state in the US.)