What Have We Done
This morning I received an email from my kid’s school. Inside was information about the Coca-Cola Scholars Foundation which awards $20,000 to 150 U.S. high school students. As we are in the mad dash towards college, I forwarded the website to my kid and told him to apply. Then I read through the bios of last year’s scholarship winners.
“…founded Project Given, a non-profit partnering with international NGOs to provide healthcare to underprivileged communities in more than 10 countries…is also the Chief Strategy Officer of his $5.5 MM startup…has pitched to Louis Vuitton, MCM, Nike, and Google, spearheaded IPO strategy with Morgan Stanley, and received a $150k grant…also works as the Deputy Campaign Manager for Senator Drew Hansen…been invited to compete in the 2024 Paris Olympic Trials for air pistol shooting…will attend Yale University in the fall.”
or
“She published her book on US Economic History to educate young students on history’s modern-day social justice implications and worked with Mayor Fox to create Dublin‘s first youth civics program and present on down-ballot voting… At Ohio State, (she) researched flawed federal energy data’s policy effects and worked on ‘Power of Home’ to develop digital financial tools for homeowners…a nationally ranked public speaker, has legislated equity policies for speech & debate tournaments across Ohio…President’s Volunteer Service Award recipient, US Presidential Scholars Candidate, and FBLA & National Economics Challenge State Champion.”
These are high school students: published researchers, founders of internet start-up companies, nationally ranked entrepreneurs. Long gone are the days of Key Club and editor of the yearbook, now to compete one must single-handedly tackle a social justice issue or invent new technology and have already begun saving the world with a hefty profit margin. But at what cost? According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s 2020 report, young adults (ages 18-25) who reported having had at least one depressive episode doubled from 2010-2020. Cited in “Careerism is Ruining College” in the New York Times, “Almost two-thirds of college students have reported feeling “overwhelming anxiety” within a given year, and experts have pointed to the cocktail of coursework, pressure to participate in extracurricular activities and concerns over choosing a career as causes.”
Don’t think I don’t wake up sweating about what the future holds for my children. There are days when Brian and I walk anxious laps around Fresh Pond debating our art school junior’s choices and analyzing available opportunities. “This is the most critical year,” we shout at each other. “She needs to double all efforts,” we cry as we march wild-eyed past joggers in ‘Harvard’ and ‘Tufts’ tshirts, and make lists of achievements our 20 year old needs to accomplish.
But then the fever dream of achievement breaks. In our house, we know what panic attacks and self-harm look like. We have seen the spiral set off by denying one’s true self and trying to shove yourself into the boxes built by others. We believe that the true measure of happiness isn’t based on your “brag sheet” (yes, this is what the high school requires each senior to create to assist in the college application process), your CV or your LinkedIn profile, and more importantly, your bank account. We still play the game—write the essays, join the groups, apply to the schools—but with a healthy reminder that “winning” has many versions. And ours doesn’t require the sacrifice of mental or emotional health.
“Never mind about that scholarship,” I texted my kid. We’ll find another way to fund his college. There are other scholarships. He has a 4.0 average for all four years in high school, mostly because we let him decide his course load, even if it wasn’t the most challenging. He feels confident, prepared, and happy. Game, set, match.