I Still Believe
Waking up and telling Michael that Trump won the election was like finding out Dad was locked in the nursing home with COVID all over again. I felt, and continue to feel, small, helpless, horrified. The top of my To Do list reads:
Confirm Michael’s prescription refills and continue researching international healthcare policies.
Re-submit Michael’s paperwork to NYC for birth certificate change.
Help Parker’s partner get a passport.
Cancel Thanksgiving.
Having zero clue as to how to proceed yesterday, Brian and I sent Michael off to school and then wandered around in Nature in a daze that still hasn’t worn off. Parker and her partner came home and we tried to find “normal”: walks around the neighborhood, basketball in the park, a vat of comfort food and a favorite animated movie. But every time we looked each other in the eyes, despite the smile so desperately trying to stick to our faces, all we could see was fear reflecting back.
In my heart, I believe that the majority of people who voted for Trump have no idea what they have just done. I still believe that we are a nation of good people at our core, but too many of us are carrying around unchecked generational trauma pussing with anger, fear and hate like open weeping wounds, leaving us vulnerable to manipulation and aggression. I believe that a man with a manaical desperation for love and affection used fear to trigger the pain of ‘we the people’ and reprogram a population to serve his needs. And I believe that the goodness of Americans was called into question when they were asked to choose between the well-being of themselves or of ALL Americans and too many chose selfishly.
Thank you for asking, but no, I am not ok. I’m not even holding steady. But for the blessed grace of music, love of family and friends and years of mindfulness techniques limp along I. There are approximately three catastrophic natural disasters happening inside of me at this moment and Inside Out 2’s Anxiety is trying to elect herself my spirit animal. But as a mom, losing your shit for extended periods of time is not an option, so I’ve scheduled my nervous breakdown for about a week from now, when the family goes out of town. Then, two of my close friends arrive, both moms who also happen to be simultaneously dealing with another California wildfire, and the three of us will hold each other and weep for our children, for their future and this nation. Probably while touring the Isabella Stewart Gardner museum. That feels appropriate.
Yesterday, I needed context, insight, and a pep talk. I called my friend Jason who is wise in all things mystical, magical and Celtic. He told me that based on alchemical law, we need an agent of change to bring about the rise of the Age of Aquarius.
“I mean, I’m not an expert,” I said. “But according to the song, aren’t we already in the Age of Aquarius?”
“Yeah, well the math is fuzzy between vedic and western astrology. But yeah, kinda. However the way it works is that you are breaking down properties to their essence, or in this case society. This happens every two thousand and blahblahblah (he did give a specific number but I was trying not to disassociate and lost the actual count) years. There will be a breaking down with great struggle and destruction. But this needs to happen to get to the essence of the spirit so it can be distilled into the enlightened time. And to do it you need an agent of change. Guess who that might be.”
“So, ballpark it for me. How long?”
“Could be instantaneous, could take generations.”
“But there’s a bigger plan right? Remind me that there is a bigger plan.”
“Yes. There is a bigger plan.”
So I cling to whatever that bigger plan might be and shout, “Breathe. Breathe! Remember to breathe!” every time I realize that I’ve stopped once again. How do you drink the moon? Tiny sips. We will get through this. We will rise. We will not let their anger and fear break us down, defeat love. There is so much more to do now. But really, what were we doing that mattered if we weren’t already fighting for love?
(Cue “Is Your Love Strong Enough” by Bryan Ferry from the official soundtrack for the 1985 film Legend, starring Tom Cruise and Mia Sara. Followed by the song “I Still Believe” by Tim Capello featured on The Lost Boys: Official Movie Soundtrack from 1987.)