Where To Go Next
My brother is one of the most generous, compassionate, fiercely loyal people in my life. He’s been known to drive 20 hours straight to help a friend in need, take in wandering strangers who need a meal, and give up his own living space for a friend who had nowhere to go. When he heard about the devastation in North Carolina from Hurricane Helene, he gassed up his truck and tried to jump into the fray.
So when he sent our sibling group chat a video of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. talking about what he would do the first day of the Trump administration, I had to ask, “Are you voting for Trump?” Admittedly, I suspected the answer. My brother politically leans closer to annihilation/anarchy, which when you know that he is the former owner of a paintball company and has multiple hunt carcasses in various states of “harvest” strung about his property, is absolutely on brand. He is the one you want by your side in The Apocalypse. I thought he’d skip the vote and finish counting his supplies, not be one of the ones to start it.
His response to my question was long yet thought out, which was also on brand and super appreciated. Having had multiple in-depth conversations about the state of our country, our family and all other things explosive, we have always been able to find common ground. Despite disagreements, we have found our way to the “agree to disagree” position and this was no exception. He had his viewpoints and I had mine. We wished each other luck and said ‘I love you’ multiple times.
The evening of the election, he texted me a link to early election results. Already whirring like a jet engine thanks to all the rhetoric and angst I was trying to avoid, I didn’t click the link right away. Hours into the polling I decided I needed to know and clicked. The link wasn’t to the San Francisco Chronicle, as stated, but to an obscene joke picture. On any other day, this would have been a great ‘gotcha’ and funny moment. My brother has a wonderfully wicked sense of humor and loves to tease ala our father. His humor is the sharpest in our family and one of the things I love most about him. But when I clicked that link my heart sank. Like too many, he didn’t understand what was truly at stake in this election. To him, this was about immigration and the economy, stopping the government from poisoning our food and fighting Big Pharma. Big ticket items for sure, but not immediate life or death. For me, this was about protecting the lives of my children.
Then Trump won. That wasn’t even the worst part. The worst part was that he won by a clear majority. A clear fucking majority who with their vote basically sanctioned and applauded every action Trump has taken to hurt people. Hurt my children. And then gave him unlimited power to take it to the next level.
How, as a mother, do I forgive someone for that? Thanks to my brother, I’m starting to understand the answers to that question.
A few days after the election, my brother texted me. While we hadn’t yet spoken, I had posted about canceling our Thanksgiving plans and had a feeling the ripples would start hitting shore. While the text was far from perfect, he hit upon some of the basic ways anyone who voted for Trump can care for the people in their lives reeling from this election.
Acknowledge the pain. Those of us who lost in this election feel that we lost BIG. Capital ‘B’. Capital ‘I’. Capital ‘G’. Life or death lost. Yes, our discomfort makes you uncomfortable, but to not acknowledge that hurt is pouring salt into our wounds. Suddenly leaving me a message about needing my help with your plant, despite having conversations with your grandchild about being trans, and never mentioning what just happened is offensive and cruel. Saying something like, “I can see this is hard. Know that I love you,” lets us know that you are still out there loving us and paying attention without platitudes.
Do NOT minimize the situation. Please don’t tell us to “have faith” or “trust” or “we’re praying for you”. Don’t offer up that we just need a good distraction or, holy F!, that we need to move on. We are grieving the loss of our safety, our sanity and our rights. We have been praying for years. We just learned that the majority of people in the grocery store would back over us with their car if it meant cheaper eggs. And a lot of those people are our family and friends.
Pledge to protect us. This is where my brother’s text made me cry.
“We may not agree on some things, and definitely about the outcome. That doesn’t negate the fact I love you and your family and if it came to it I will protect you and them.”
This is where my forgiveness lies and is the key to healing this country. If you voted for Trump, I can only assume you made a choice thinking it would be for the best—for you, for the people you love, and for this nation. If this is true, then we need to see action, not just words. Educate yourselves on the policies that not only affect you, but every American. Pay attention to what executive orders, laws and other policies are either being written or abolished that directly endanger the people of this country. When (not if, always when) Trump lies, spews hatred and incites violence, do not turn away ashamed but have the balls to call him out and stand up to his rhetoric with the people around you: online, in the supermarket, in the church pews and on the soccer fields. Start donating your time and your money to organizations fighting their asses off to protect minority and marginalized populations, the environment and civil rights. When I post because my kid’s access to his medication is being taken away, if you love me and my family and voted for Trump (or didn’t vote at all), you should be the first ones liking and sharing the post, donating to the cause and protesting by our side. You want us to “have faith”, “trust” and feel better about another Trump administration? Then we’d better see you fighting to make it so.
We are hurting. Please give us the space and respect to do so in our way, on our timeline. We are scared that we are alone so prove that we aren’t. This is what my brother recognized and acknowledged. I know he loves us, but more importantly I know he’ll do the work to make sure he makes things right, even if it means that this time he was wrong. And that is what real love looks like.
My pledge to you, the Trump voters (and non-voters) in my life, is that I won’t give up on you. I love you and do have faith. I have faith that when the time comes, you’ll do the right thing.